I don’t know

//Scribbles

“So, why are you moving?” A colleague asks me on a Teams call.

I’ve just been introduced by a friend as a “standup comedian”. I’ve shrugged it off as sales spiel, but it affords me the latitude to be less serious.

“Midlife crisis”

“No way, you’re way too young to have a midlife crisis”

“It’s a bit like professional sports. If you’re good enough to have a midlife crisis, you’re old enough to have a midlife crisis.” I smile through.

The serious answer, of course, would have been “I don’t know”

My favourite game to play after a conversation is to revisit the stations visited by my train of thought. There is no need for the start and end points to be connected. Or the points in between.

The path makes sense only when you look at it as a random path taken by Mr X in a game of Scotland Yard. That’s what makes it fun.

But what about principles I’ve internalised? Where did they originate?

2006

I’m a 19 year old hormonal teenager being asked by their best friend “Do you know what the three most powerful words in English are?”

Hope trumps insight in situations like these -

“I love you?” I say, distinctly feeling a churning in my stomach.

“No, silly” she says “It’s ‘I don’t know’ - it means you’re willing to admit that you don’t everything. After all, no one can. And it opens up a learning opportunity because the other person probably knows more.”

“Wow” I say, as I might have said to most things she told me.

2018

I’ve been invited back to my B School to talk to students before they face their placements.

“Don’t be afraid to say ‘I don’t know’ in an interview” I say “for 2 reasons - it shows you as a person who doesn’t claim to know everything, and is willing to learn. Secondly, it reduces the time of the interview where you’re not shining. If you have a 10 minute interview - it’ll help you reduce the amount of time that you’re not at your best to a maximum of 1 minute. That’s a good interview “

2024

“He thinks homosexuality is a sin as per the Bible. And they should be hated. He’s a bit of know it all. Like you, actually” I’m told by one of my best friends over coffee

“Hold on. I frequently say “I don’t know” when I don’t know things. It’s what helps me to learn.” I blurt out, because, of course, everything has to be about me.

“Also”, I add “clearly - he’s read the wrong bit of the Bible” I’m reminded right away of the correct quote. It’s nothing new, but it’s apt.

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poorand give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b]but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.But the greatest of these is love.

Later, I’m wondering why it doesn’t create as much impact in English as it does in my memory. It plays in my head as a song in Malayalam, overlaid with a 12 year old reading it in Church, and a movie dialogue from childhood.

Perhaps, nostalgia is the most powerful catalyst of taste. It’s why we still love our mother’s cooking more than anything in the world. It’s what helps us return to our roots even as we’ve grown tall enough to seemingly touch the sky.

In that moment, I’m reminded of Kuriakose, my bus mate and fellow altar boy who read these lines in church, and along with whom I staged a Rosa Parks esque protest against an errant teacher. I’m reminded of him reading out the epistle to the Corinthians in his characteristic lilt.

I’m reminded of Ayyappantamma Neyyappam Chuttu (2000) - movie in which two kids along with a friend reunite their estranged parents.

I’m reminded of Fr. Abel - credited with creating the long lasting wave of comedy in Malayalam culture. Not credited enough for creating the most beautiful prayers and songs.

The funniest people are also the most intense.

There is no other rendition of the Passion of Jesus Christ that moves me as much as the one penned by him. Even as an atheist, every Good Friday - I read it, or recite it from memory and I’m transported to a place of catharsis.

I’m reminded of Fr. Jose Ozhalakkatt, under whose vicarage I expressed interest to be an altar boy. He was at once matter of fact, funny, and dedicated. I knew of him as the priest who was happiest eating porridge with beans, and as one who donated one of his kidneys to someone in need.

But I remember him as the priest who tried to elevate the mass to an experience. The songs that punctuated his mass were rendered by his friends at Cochin Chorus still play in my head. And later that night as I listen to “Malakhamarude bhaasha arinjaalum…” sung by Yesudas, it doesn’t match up to feelings created by Thankachan singing in the mass at  Palarivattom church 25 years ago.

As the train of thought pulls into its final destination  I’m left wondering…

Perhaps “I don't know” are the three most powerful words... This phrase has been my friend, over the years, and has allowed me to learn so much.

But as I nudge an early midlife crisis, I realise that the only true answer is that I am enough. That the three most beautiful words you can tell someone are  “I Love You” ...simply because when it's true, the words themselves don't matter.